Pattaya through the Eyes of an Alien


It would not be a far stretch of the imagination for an alien to mistake the flashing neon lights of Walking Street Pattaya for a landing pad at the secret military/industrial complex in Rayong. Oh, you didn’t know about that place? And if an alien did crash land on Pattaya Beach Road, not only would he be the one mind blown, but the motorbike taxi drivers would chastise and gang up on him for taking up their prime parking spots on the roadside.

With so many strange characters already frequenting Pattaya, most notably from the Arian and Nordic races of Northern Europe, and the strange and cheap people from the Indian sub-continent, our confused alien crash victim who we only know as ‘Dave’ would certainly not appear out of place. As he makes his way past Mike’s Shopping Mall, Dave would be accosted by a street hawker who has ‘the perfect sunglasses for those oversized black eyes of yours falang!” He would also be stopped in his tracks by calls from a Nepalese tailor who has the “perfect tie for you geezer”, mistaking him for a drunken English football hooligan. Must be the black eyes again!

Once our alien friend dodged the drunken sandal-wearing Bavarians gathering outside KFC and Burger King and headed over to the beach side of the road, he was surprised to see the confused looks on the faces of tourists. They were not confused from looking at Dave’s misshapen head and grey skin, but out of astonishment by the curvy shape of the local ladyboys who appeared to be men dressed as women… with boobs.

“This is weird place,” thought Dave, who was born on an aquatic planet and had both male and female sexual organs and gills, but somehow could not get his head around someone who had breasts and a penis at the same time. At least Dave could go and f#@k himself any time he wanted to, he mused.

One thing Dave couldn’t fathom was why the men on the roadside dressed in brown uniforms who he assumed to be police were taking what appeared to be money from people who had not done anything wrong and clearly didn’t have much money in the first place. Dave thought the rules of right and wrongdoing must be different on Planet Earth. He was half right! To his right, two motorbikes almost crashed with each other to loud noises and nobody battered an eyelid even though one was driving in the opposite direction of the traffic flow. “We even had driving rules in space and I didn’t see even an asteroid for 20 light years”, thought Dave.

Then in the distance, Dave finally saw it. All-consuming lights jutting out of the floor into the sky and every direction like some ungodly creation. Screams of passion and joy echoed throughout his soul. Had he finally stumbled upon the source energy he had been trying to find at the complex in Rayong? The source energy that was causing a rift in the space-time continuum on his home planet? As he wandered closer, lights shot out in every direction as Dave dropped to his knees and kissed the somtam-covered concrete in dramatic fashion as his mission was almost complete. Dave’s journey across the cosmos was almost at an end. He had finally found what he was looking for and was in one piece to sample the exotic delights of the interplanetary and interdimensionallly-famous Walking Street Pattaya!




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